I felt much better. Everybody wus fussin about like flies at the outhouse door on a hot day, even Mr Chirac, he's trying to be ma friend now, ah think. So ah cut loose and went to the magic mountain.
It's not jest the injuns that have special mystical places. The secret cave lets ya all talk to the the shootin' stars and the high flyin' blackbirds and they tell you what everybody's been up to. It's real handy when times is a tough. The mountain is on Uncle Ronnie's land. He wus sherrif before paw. I like to talk to him when things are a troublin' me. He tells me about stuff from way back before ah wus born and from times when ah drank the moonshine and then ate all the coffee beans so nobody would laugh at me. Mebbe they did but ah was crazy as a moose on heat and don't remember.
Everybody liked Ronnie but they say he was crazy and should have been locked up in the county madhouse. Ah like him. Colin doesn't and says I shouldn't listen to him cuz he is ten bales short of a haystack these days. He used to sleep with his monkey called Bonzo and mek hiss wife sleep in the barn.
Somedays all he does is stare at the ceiling shoutin' 'bedtime for Bonzo'. He wus in love with a real sofisticated English lady called Miss Maggie. She ran a circus and was knowed by the name of the Iron lady on account of her ability to bend bars round her head. He named his ranch after her. Ah think she was too interested in her circus to be lovin' him back.
Back in those days, the towns folk didn't get along and folks in the west had Ronnie as their Judge and in the east they had themselves a Marshal. It all started with the land rush that the county sprung up from. In the middle of it all was Mr Schroeder’s dead granfuhrer's land, and everybody wanted a piece of it.
Sheriff Harry said it was his and Mr Putin's uncle Joe wanted himself some too
HARRY
MARSHAL JOE
Both o' them wanted to put a railroad through the whole county an' the old German's land was the end of the line from both sides. It seemed like fer a long time nobody done nothing and jest sat and looked across at each other, nobody really bothering too much. Then Harry with the help of some clever jewellers made the strongest moonshine you could get and destroyed Mr Horihito's Sake business in two days, them rail road boys sure love their booze. So fer a while it looked like the western railroad was gonna be the winner, then Uncle Joe stole the recipe and made hisself some too and soon his workers were workin' just as hard.
Uncle Joe died and Nikita took over the railroad and Joe's job as marshall.
Then Batista's cigar shop on the lower eastside got taken over by a young colt called Fidel. Fidel got a better price for cigars from Nikita, than from the new sheriff Ike. Ike went loco and burnt Fidel's barn and then slunk outta town sayin we shouldn't never trust the gunsmith or the postman.
IKE
This left his replacement Jack with hiss pants down, which wus often for he had a bigger eye for the ladies than Will Bill Clinton and he didn't need no fancy horn to prove it neither. Jack tried hiss utmost to make it up, but Nikita went and put some stills in Fidel's backyard. Jack blew his stack and threatened to burn down Fidel's shop and Nikita's ranch.
JACK
In the end up, they came to sorta shakin' hands and makin' up. Nikita would knock down his stills as long as Jack got rid o' his secret stills in the Turkey farm next to Nikita's place. But to be on the safe side, Nikita changed the gauge of the railroad track, so no fellas could go from east of town to west on one train. Jack made sure nobody could get out of Fidel's shop with an un-smoked cigar without havin' them confiscated by a deputy.
Fidel
Things looked to be going on the bright side, until somebody shot Jack and killed him stone dead outside
the town library. They blamed a simple fella, but nobody never put theys hand up too it. Paw says he knows but he ain't ever tellin' me no matter how many guessin' games we play. The funeral at boot hill, there was a fine showin o' folks sayin' they loved him and liked him, even if like paw they couldn't stand his hide.
Sheriff Lyndon came next and spent all his time trying to stop Mr Ho Chi Min gettin his own land back.
Lyndon
Mr Min
It was a darn shame when he did, cause it made poor ole sheriff Tricky Dickie look a fool. Paw said he was one anyway. He got sacked for trying to steal Jack's brother's diary. Only
the Lord knows why.
Dickie an' hus wife
All the while east and west side of town wus bulidin' and buildin more railroads and more stills till Uncle Ronnie comes along and says he wus gonna build a big bridge over the canyon that separated east and west at the top of the county. Marshall Mikhail, who was having enough trouble making bread, realised to hisself that he couldn't build no bridge beside it and started trying to make friends.
Mikhail
Ronnie wasn't havin' it and used to send telegrams sayin he was gonna burn all the barns, then send another sayin he was only foolin'. Paw took over when Ronnie had to get outta town for sellin' moonshine to injuns in exchange for pretty saloon ladies kidnapped by other mad injuns.
Turns out Ronnie wus only pokin fun about the bridge, knowin they couldn't afford to build their own, but paw kept it up and now everybody is friends again.
Ah like the idea about the bridge, ah am gonna try it maself. Uncle Ronnie shat the bed. I laughed, but then ah wus sick as a hound-dog.
