Owing to a lucky quirk in the space time continuum, we are able to view the weird mental landscape that exists inside the noggin of the American president. We find the portal works best when he is writing in his diary.
MA DIARY
MARCH 16th
The townsfolk’s of Uno County had a big meetin' in the Azores saloon. Since ah was the sheriff, I chaired the meeting. We was trying to sort out the trouble we are presently having with Big Chief Saddam of the Iraqi tribe. He is plum crazy. He tried to kill ma paw 12 years ago in a fight about moonshine, but paw got together with the town and kicked his sorry butt. Thing was paw took pity on him and didn't run the varmint outta town. Then paw lost the job as lawman when Wild Bill Clinton blew into town and charmed all the ladies with his tall tales, big cigars and musical nights, where all the pretty lady's took turns blowin on his horn. He called it a sexaphone, but ah wasn't fooled one darn bit. Ah knows a horny man when I see one.
AL AN' WILD BILL
Wild Bill jest liked everyone to be happy and was always given everyone lots of money. He didn't care about no rogue injun living down the trail. Me and my brother Jeb, we made darn sure that come the next election we would have no more of his kind and fixed the vote so Bill's friend Al couldn't be sheriff neither.
ME
At the meeting we were trying to get a posse together to bust up Saddam's moonshine business. He says he ain't got one no more, since paw beat him, says he smashed them all up. Ah don't believe him. Not 'specially after them Alqueda injuns done set fire to the twin grocery stores with burnin' wagons and tried to blow up Donald Rumsfeld's gun store. Saddam says he don't know their chief and that it served us right, but it was nothing to do with him. He's a liar! Ah don't trust no Indian that rides a camel! It's not natural!
DONALD
Tony, the lawyer. He's ma bestest friend. Real clever English, been to school and talks real smart using high fulootin' words that make my head sore and my ears buzz. Tony says we outta get all the folks on our side. Ah said why? He said it made a lot of sense and was the right thing to do and reminded me that that's what paw did. Donald the gunsmith, he thinks we should of did it at night a long time ago. But him and Colin, he's my cook, they don't get on and they was arguing so much that we didn't get time to go ask anyone else for quite a time.
TONY MA FRIEND
Tony has a friend that is Spanish or Mexican, probably a bandit or something and he agrees with us, but Tony has to keep tellin him that once we get rid of Saddam we ain't gonna be lookin for lost cities of gold cause that's the Incas or Aztecs. I jest don't see the point of talkin about sports at a time like this.
TONY'S FRIEND
Anyway we told them all that Saddam was making bad moonshine and we had best stop him before somebody got hurt from it. They didn't seem too keen and said they'd slept on it and tell us tomorrow. I don't like moonshine. It makes me crazier than a hog. Paw used to laugh a lot at me when I had a bellyful. Used to fall off my horse.
MARCH 17th
The Mayor, Mr Annan, got everyone together. He used to be a slave, but he is free now. He is not as good a mayor as Mr Waldheim, he didn't mind getting his hands dirty, mind you he didn't boast about it after neither.
THE MAYOR
Things didn't look good. Mr Chirac, the French tailor said he wasn't getting involved, no matter what. We all know that he sells Saddam's moonshine under the counter anyway. Never stopped him before. He’s gitten too big for his boots. Ah'm gonna arrest him for being drunk on that w9ine of his one night. That'll show him who's boss. The butcher Mr Schroder, he was siding with the Frenchman. Ah'll git him too! Putin the Baker didn't seem too bothered, saying he had enough on his plate trying to make dough, but felt it wasn't a good idea right now. The Chinaman who runs the noodle shop said if they weren't going neither was he! Mr Sharon who runs the goldsmiths and Mr Arafat who has a little orchard never bothered to show their faces, because the are always falling out about the orchard. One says it is his and so does the other. Tony tells me I've got to sort that out too! Ah would shoot them both. But I get real nice jewellery for my wife from Old Mr Sharon and Yasser's oranges are nice. Ah don't really care because I hate that Injun Saddam so much right now.
THAT DARN SADDAM
If all this wasn't bad enough Tony's assistant Robin, he stands up and says it was all nonsense and that ah wiz trying to go back to the 19th century and use gunboat diplomacy to get my own way and that me and Tony were selfish, jest thinking of ourselves and nobody else in town. He said that I was just trying to do what America had to make Britain stop doing at the end of ww2, and that wasn't fair because Britain was better at it than me. Then he said I was tearing up the town charter that had lasted nearly 60 years. He said the last one didn't work cause we weren't in it and this one was doomed cause we did have a say in it and we was jest bully's at the end up wantin the town to be our friend and help in our dirty work. He stormed off and Tony looked a bit worried.
I had had enough. Ah got on my horse and rode to Saddam's village and told him if him and his sons didn't clear out in 48 hours ah was comin back with the good ole boys and send him and his kind to kingdom come. Ah wet the bed last night and Paw and maw both laughed at me.
MA OL' PAW
